Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
