last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
i black out too much to be "responsible"
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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