Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
