In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize