sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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