Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Randomize
