it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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