Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
i now understand why vodka
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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