a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
