No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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