my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
