I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Randomize
