never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You took a bar mat shot.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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