i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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