Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
