I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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