He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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