well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
