On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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