Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
