I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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