My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize