Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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