I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
