Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
