well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
