I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
