This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Did I show you my penis last night?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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