Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
