So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
