Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
