apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
