Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I will pee on everything he values.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
