Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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