I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
