I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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