dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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