Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Couch. On fire.
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