we have pet lesbian snakes
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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