does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I need a burrito and a hug.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
