At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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