I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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