i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Please don't give away my fajitas
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