you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
