Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
