Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
