you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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