I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
