it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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