Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
God, I missed his penis.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
