but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Randomize
