I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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