dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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