He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize