the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
