I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
