In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
