Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
