can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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