no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
