It's like God shit irony all over that family
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
