Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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