Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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