Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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