I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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