how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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