my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
he shaved USA in his pubs
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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