he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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