In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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